im no longer a spectator (re: i love being a spectator)
on the 25th of october, 2022 i published a letter where i spoke about how i am more passive when hanging out with my friends. for most of my life, up until that point (and then some), i would keep to myself in social situations. since then, a lot has changed in my life, and rereading that letter made me realise im not the same person i was when i wrote that letter. thus, a new letter comes out!
while trying to write this i feel its necessary to recount my lives of 2023 and 2024. in 2023, i didnt write anything. probably because i was kind of going through it. i was struggling with my looks, my friends, my interests, and with school. everything i had built up in the year prior was something i suddenly didnt agree with anymore, but it was all so strongly embedded into my life that it felt like a prison. drastic changes to my hair, clothes i no longer wanted to wear, friends id rather not call friends, and a bad mental state that made hobbies and school impossible to manage.
i think its good that i went through that year though, because it made me realise what i do or dont want for myself. after all, ill most likely be alive for another sixty-seventy years, so one unfortunate one is worth it if it means the rest of them will be better. with that in mind, i tried to take 2024 as my chance to change. i started growing my hair out and getting rid of all the things in life i disagreed with. in the second half of the year i reached out to professionals about my mental health. around that time i wrote this other letter, about how i felt like my frontal lobe had started developing.
for 2025 i didnt have any solid ‘new years resolutions’, my only goal was to keep up the positive changes of the year prior. and so i did! my life was, and is still, full of only things i like. my wardrobe, my people, the way i spend my days; i have very little to complain about. in february i got diagnosed with (a very bad case of) adhd, the only thing i would complain about, and about a month later i got medicated for it. not to say the medication was the one true solution to my problems, though its definitely the cherry on top. it helps me get more out of the life ive been (re)building.
these are all things i worked hard for, with a lot of patience and self acceptance. so im happy to say that im at a point where i can get feedback from my surroundings, as some kind of proof that it really is working. im no longer a spectator! i like to get myself out there now, because i have something to show. i have art id like to share, experiences to talk about. i feel at peace with myself, which gives me breathing room to tend to others. thats one thing i felt i lacked when i wrote my first letter, even if i couldnt fully put it into words then. i like to be social now, because i know how to pace myself. i see this in three ‘locations’ of my life:
- at my minor study; im making new friends even though im close to finishing. the past me wouldnt have bothered!
- at my new internship; im socialising with all of my coworkers. the past me wouldnt’ve known how to be around… people of a different demographic, so to say.
- in my existing relationships; ive started considering my acquaintances my friends. mostly because my idea of friends changed! its no longer about (over)sharing and, well, suffering together. its about spending time together, similar interests, similar mindsets, maybe?
my self understanding is much better and much more realistic, so i can set realistic goals. i set some goals in my last letter, and theyre still pretty much the same (it wasnt that long ago). its all about further self discovery, creation and being social.
now that things are going into the right direction, and i seem to be more mature in the way i handle myself, i look forward to what will become of me again.
be kind and honest to yourself friend, you probably have all the answers somewhere in there.