i love being a spectator: a love letter to my friends
ive noticed that often when i hang out with my friends, i rarely say a word. i keep to myself and even when i have something to add to the conversation, i dont. at first i felt bad about this, for two reasons; am i making them uncomfortable? and is this in some way unhealthy for me? it felt like a bad thing to do. this is a friend group, a social function, the entire point is to share yourself with these people. ive known these people for a few years. some i see more often than others, but the quietness stays the same either way.
but there are days where i do get myself out there; i laugh, i tell stories, i make jokes. we play table-top games, sing along to songs. and i feel like these moments compensate for the quiet days. my friends know im cool, theyve heard my jokes, theyve heard my stories, ive proven myself. and as a reward i get to be quiet the majority of the time. its not something i feel bad about anymore. i appreciate it a lot actually. i like coexisting. co-play, like the toddlers. i like to listen to them all be people, i like to bring them food and drinks, i join in on their card games for the sake of playability.
you could argue thats something for a people pleaser, but in my eyes a people pleaser gets nothing in return. i get plenty in return! i get to do my own thing and not feel lonely while doing it. i can sit, be quiet, draw my silly drawings and have about a thousand thoughts an hour all while spending time with these fun people. theyre there for me when i need them.
i guess what im trying to say is that im really glad i have friends where i dont need to be conventionally social. you guys will never read this but i appreaciate you a lot :-)